I'll be back

Sometimes I put more effort into avoiding doing something than it would take to just get on with it and get it done. Even when it’s something I want to do!

Tonight I am forcing myself to go back to my French class. This makes it sound as if the class is a chore, something I would rather avoid, but it isn’t. I love my French class – I really enjoy going. So why have I been avoiding classes instead of going back last week, when the new semester started?

I think the problem is that my return (which was postponed due to post-London tiredness, or some such lame excuse) is accompanied by a large side order of guilt. Until last term my glittering career as an adult learner was well and truly on track: I had passed AS and then A level French, I had enrolled for a part-time language degree and completed the first half of level one in a year. Then it all came unstuck before Christmas when I simply couldn’t keep up with the work. So I dropped out. I’m still registered for some short courses, but not for the degree, it’s just too much.

I felt great after dropping out – the pressure was off, so I could cope with my normal job and have some time left over for something called a life. But I still felt guilty about failing to achieve what I set out to, guilty about letting my tutors down and guilty that I had added to the University’s drop out rate – I know how important that type of statistic can be for those who work in education. Oddly I didn’t feel as guilty as I should have about wasting the small fortune that I had spent paying course fees.

But it’s time to stop avoiding going back: the course is great and the tutors are all very sympathetic and supportive. My guilt is illogical; it’s time to put it to one side and get on with things.

So tonight I’m finally going back to a course I really enjoy. I’m still feeling slightly nervous about meeting the course tutor again, but I am looking forward to speaking French for the first time in ages. I’m looking forward to the chance to catch up with friends on the course. I’m looking forward to learning. Bring it on, as they say.

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