How to have a brilliant birthday party

by H, aged 3

1. Break the ice
It’s easy to get your grown-up guests talking to each other, just give them something to talk about. Wait until your Mum isn’t looking, then lob a load of sand at them, that’ll do the trick.

“I’ve got sand between my toes”
“I’ve got sand in my drink.”
“It’s like being at the beach.”

See, they’re all chattering away now. That was easy.

2. Keep your guests entertained
There are many ways to do this, you can give a concert on a mouth organ or allow your guests to look at your picture books. If you really want to get their attention, try dismembering a doll and burying it in a bucket of sand. Oh, look at their alarmed faces (especially your Mum’s). Hilarious.

3. Wear party hats
A toy policeman’s helmet makes an excellent party hat, but a hat shaped like a giant birthday cake, complete with candles is even better. Insist that every smartly dressed Dad at the party takes a turn at wearing a silly hat.

4. Blow bubbles
There is nothing like a bubble machine to bring out the inner child in everyone. Switch it on and watch people try to catch the bubbles. Honestly, you’d think they would realise that’s impossible. Grown-ups can be so stupid.

Remember that it is your party and you are the centre of attention. If the bubble machine threatens to steal the limelight, fill it with a load of sand and watch it grind to a halt. Now everyone is looking at you again. Sorted.

5. Party on into the night
Over-excited 3 year old birthday boys have no trouble partying long after bedtime, but some grown-up guests might start to flag. You may need to find ways to keep them awake. Open some presents, then get a load of slightly drunk people to put up your brand new, easy home assembly, play tent. Then jump out of the tent and roar at any unsuspecting party-goers who happen to be passing. That should keep everybody awake. Party on!